This coming Wednesday (the 3rd of October) is the 18th anniversary of
my being diagnosed with a brain tumour. It is difficult for me to put into
words how incredibly blessed I feel
being able to write this blog 18 years on.
In
my posts that have been written on this blog and my original blog (www.kiwibraintumoursurvivor.blogspot.com)
I have talked about my life with a brain tumour and what I have experieinced. I
have also talked about my reality living with continual pain and how it
influences my outlook on life. However, I feel as though I haven’t talked
enough about the fact that I am so incredibly
fortunate to even be here.
The
unfortunate truth about brain tumours is that there are very few people who are
as lucky as I am. Very few who are so blessed as to be able to be talking about
their experiences 18 years after they were diagnosed. Very few who would survive
10 lots of invasive neurosurgery. Very few that, if they did come out of the
surgery, would be able to think clearly enough to be writing about it. I am
just so blessed.
The
reality is that you can be the strongest personality there is, have the greatest
spirit and the most fervent faith, and yet you still have so very little
control over what your outcome will be with cancer.
I
am so incredibly blessed that my brain tumour is the lowest grade of the best type
of ‘juvenile’ cancer. The grade of my tumour is the slowest growing, and the
type is the least likely to spread. A
doctor explained to me once “You have the best possible type of brain tumour,
in the worst possible place" (the brain stem).
Unfortunately
my tumour did start to grow in early 2002, but I am so extremely fortunate that
it responded well to the radiotherapy I had in December that year. The cancer
component of the tumour is now minimal. I am so very blessed as it is unpredictable
whether or not any tumour will respond to radiotherapy (or chemotherapy, which was
rarely used on my brain tumours when I was diagnosed 18 years ago and I have
never had). How incredibly fortunate I am to have had the cancer cells of my
tumour greatly reduce in response to my having radiation.
I
am aware that I have repeatedly used the words blessed and fortunate in this
blog but it is for lack of there being better words to use.
I
have also discussed in previous blogs how my living with continual pain is actually
a blessing in that it is a stark reminder to me each day that I am alive, but I want to stress that point
again.
As
my back pain shoots up my spine, I try to remind myself of those who have not
made it with their battle with bone cancer. When the burning heat of my
headaches flares I try to remember the many people who would do anything just
to be alive and experience that pain once again. When my hands are too painful
to write with, I try to remember the many other people who also have to live
with this kind of pain but who can’t use their hands for anything.
If
I looked for them I am pretty sure I could find reasons to groan and grumble
about my condition. However, I think with anything in life, what we focus on is
what our reality becomes. I don’t want a life focused on pain, rather I want one
focused on gratitude, and so I choose to consciously reflect on that.
So
each day as I walk in my good fortune I try to reflect on how incredibly
blessed I am, and what God could perhaps want to use me for in light of this
blessing.
And
though it may sound strange, I am also grateful for having had to face death
many times. I believe that those of us who have looked death in the face and
yet have lived have an indelible sense of security and destiny. I know that I will
not die until God ordains it and I feel that there is a purpose for my life.
To
me this is one of the greatest treasures of my journey with a brain tumour –
not feeling as though my life is meaningless and without a purpose. There are
so many people around who sink into despair with feelings of worthlessness and
that their life is meaningless. I just so dearly wish that normal, healthy people
could realize the same things I now understand without having to go through the
struggle that many of these past 18 years have been.
What
a treasure it is having a true appreciation that every day of life is a God-given
gift.
